In a previous column published in the Dec. 3 edition I pointed out the hopeless quest of finding the perfect Christmas gift for a wife or girlfriend.

Apparently I hit some secret chord only women can hear because shortly after the column was published a flood of women began telling me how their very own special dummies bought the worst gifts the world has ever seen.

I knew we were dummies, but, the consistency was shocking. What was God thinking?

After enough women confirmed my theory of the hopeless spinning of the universe, I decided it was important to put together a top 10 terrible Christmas gifts list.

I have withheld the names of the innocent — that would be the men — to protect them from the words that strike cold, sweating fear in every man, “You know exactly what you did.”

The Terrible Top 10

• This one came from a man, a friend of mine, talking about a gift he bought for his ex-wife before she was his ex-wife.

10. “A bathroom scale. Yes, I really did! She asked for it, and then punished me for doing it. The other thing she asked for that year was a microwave, which I also bought her. Ironic, you think?”

I can’t figure out how that marriage failed.

9. A used oil pump. There was a ring inside, but the package was wrapped in wire.

This one was on the border, but I loved the touch of using wire to wrap the gift. It shows the sensitive side of being a male with wire cutters.

This couple is still married… of course.

• The next three are from the same marriage, which is still healthy.

8. She left a picture of a ring, circled, on the counter for two months.

The husband’s comment to his wife on Christmas morning was, “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted it that bad?”

This falls into the “suicidal” category.

7. “A size two skirt made for a 14 year old.”

Buying clothes is the true road to ruin. Too big and you’re dead meat, too small and you live in the garage for six months.

All men need to read and understand this. There is no correct size, whatever you buy will be wrong.

6. “Oh, yes, how about ‘nothing’ since that was the ‘agreement.’”

Always remember, there is no agreement, ever.

• The next two are from a couple who have been married for a couple of decades. There is a secret formula in there somewhere.

5. “Stupid plastic measuring cup, like the ones at Safeway. I couldn’t believe it. They were horrible. They weren’t even stainless steel. They were plastic.”

I confess. I thought that was a dandy gift. This is the problem. God never gave us the girl book with all the directions.

4. “He got the girl from work to go buy perfume for me. She had a list she had to get for all the men at work.”

Then he made the really big mistake. He told her the girl at work picked it out and asked her if she liked it. I think she called him a very bad word.

“After that I told him to never buy me another gift… ever.”

I thought there a certain sweet, sensitive innocence to her husband asking if she liked the perfume the girl picked out. However, I was smart enough not to say that. Even I can learn with enough repetition.

• I just had to find a way to cram this one in.

4. (alternate)“A box was with a card saying Santa was too busy to get a Christmas gift. This entitles you to buy earrings. His mom printed out the card on her computer.”

Kind of high tech in a touchy-feely way don’t you think.

• The next one is a 2-for-1. One wasn’t strictly a Christmas present, but it was so practical I couldn’t resist and the other was Christmas, and yes, they are still happily married.

3. For Mother’s Day he bought her a toilet. If that’s not the perfect gift for the girl you love, I don’t know what is.

Next he bought her an iPod for Christmas, which she hated. This was a few years ago and he was trying to be ahead of the tech curve. Never a good idea.

“I hid it because I knew he would start playing with it and I couldn’t take it back and get what I wanted.”

• 2.

A college girl received a nicely wrapped gift from her fiance. She opened it in the dorm at the University of Washington surrounded by other girls.

It was a ThighMaster.

I don’t know what that is, but according to my secret source, it is apparently not the way to win a wife. Who knew?

• And finally we arrive at No. 1 on the Terrible Top 10. This was an attempt by a husband to buy “something a little different.” Let me state for the legal record. If the idea comes into your head to buy “something a little different,” it means your brain has stopped functioning and you need a very significant electrical shock.

1. A globe with a tarantula inside. The spider was dead and the husband is now a very ex-husband.

“I told him I wanted something I wouldn’t buy myself. Now you know why he’s my ex. I took it back and at least they gave me my money back.”

The globe cost $48 and a lot of change.

I think we can safely make the blanket statement dead animals are always a Christmas gift mistake and are very likely to be thrown in the general direction of the male’s head.

We have come to the end of our heroic quest for the perfect Christmas gift for that special woman.

One truth I’ve discovered in this exhaustive study is men are 7 year olds that happen to shave.

We would like to be better and braver, but, we are not equipped for anything beyond imaging we are superheroes in disguise with special powers. Unfortunately none of our special powers actually work, except maybe one. Hold each other close and laugh a lot. Your Christmas mornings are few.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.