The world of medical science has me worried.
Medical science has come up with a pile of new tests to tell the medical inquisition my secrets.
Each time I see my high priest with a needle, Dr. Killyasoon, he gives me a blood test that tells him what I have been eating for the past three months. If I lie to him he knows and pokes me with a dull needle.
Believe it or not, once upon a time I was so skinny my mother and grandmother took me to the doctor. Those were the days.
As a child, I lived on a farm on top of a hill. During the day I would zoom around the fields with my cape and mask, battling the evil forces of darkness.
After a good day of saving the world, I would do a soft landing at my grandma’s house, which was across the driveway from my folks’ home.
Grandma thought I was too skinny. God liked me then. Grandma would make me fried chicken soaked in buttermilk and coated with her homemade bread crumbs.
My grandma’s chicken gravy was art. Her secret was a roux of butter, bacon fat, chicken fat and flour. I would slather the ambrosia over her silky mashed potatoes, homemade biscuits and chicken. I’m getting fatter just thinking about it.
Imagine eating potatoes, biscuits and gravy all in one meal – we call this carb heaven.
But the best part was yet to come. Grandma would serve me pie with ice cream.
Now I’m talking about pie made the right way. Grandma made her crust with lard. My arteries are throbbing at the memory.
Banana cream, wild blackberry or strawberry pies topped with vanilla ice cream, and I could eat all I wanted because I was too skinny.
Oh for the days when before the evil one entered my life.
I need to stop writing this, because if Dr. Killyasoon suspects I am having such thoughts he will poke me with one of his special dull needle.
I am beginning to suspect the doctor has a test that will tell him I have been lusting for lard or bacon or wild blackberry pie.
Maybe we were all better off when the world was a lot dumber.
Time to go think of tofu, only tofu. I wonder how tofu would taste wrapped in bacon.
