The new state budget has finally been worked out, and as expected, taxes are going up. It’s going to cost you more to drink beer, chew gum, smoke or buy water in a bottle. It’ll also cost you more to get your hair done, visit the doctor, sue somebody or get your taxes done.

It is refreshing to finally see some reduced spending in addition to the tax increases. I’ve found over the years that I have to spend less money whenever I earn less money, and when I make extra money, I have to save some of it for later. These are just some of the exciting new ideas I’ve been wanting to share with our legislators.

I don’t want you to think that I’m bitter and simply griping about taxes. During Gov. Gregoire’s first term, state spending went up 31 percent, or about $8 billion. I like some of the benefits we’re getting out of that money, such as having more kids on the state’s basic health care plan, and increasing job placement opportunities for people being released from prison.

However, we can’t fund every good idea. Sometimes we just have to say “no” or “not this year.”

The worst part about this budget process? In a fit of desperation, our politicians used all three of the Secret Rules for Raising Taxes in an Election Year.

Instead of raising taxes, raise penalties

The goal here is to find something that can be demonized, like drivers talking on their cell phones. Find a legislator with children that’s willing to pretend to be outraged, and hold up a single, weak laboratory study to back up your argument. Try to ignore the massive amounts of real-world data that disproves your claims, and be sure to talk about your children some more. This year, it worked, and starting in June you’re going to be pulled over and given a $124 ticket for talking on your cell phone. Ka-ching.

Through the end of April, half of the state’s police agencies will be cracking down on speeding, using the appropriately named “Slow Down or Pay Up” headline. The press release for this program claimed that over 40 percent of deadly accidents were caused by speed.

In case you are wondering where that percentage comes from, it’s from a single 1997 Australian study of 167 crashes in rural areas (no populated areas, so think two-lane roads), and only included crashes of speeds higher than 50 miles per hour. They probably could have cited the 2006 British government study of all accidents that year, which says only 14 percent of fatal crashes were caused by excessive speed, but 40 percent is a much scarier number. Secret rule No. 1 requires that you use the scariest numbers available.

Find a naughty behavior, and tax it for moral reasons

This secret rule requires the politician to use stereotypes to safely increase taxes, by demonizing the end user. Beer and cigarettes are for naughty people, while wine and cigars are for people who appreciate finer things. Bottled water is purchased by people who don’t care about the environment. Sodas and candy will make you fat, driving up our health care costs. You, naughty person, will pay for your moral failings!

When raising an unpopular tax, hide behind a child or old person

Gov. Gregoire took the lead on this one. When discussing the new beer taxes, she said it would pay for things like all-day kindergarten and Meals On Wheels for seniors. You inconsiderate citizen; how can you possibly enjoy that Bud Light while letting your kids stay stupid and your grandparents go hungry!

This secret rule doesn’t work if you say things like “This new tax will help us double the budget of the Office of Asian/Pacific-American Affairs” (which it did between 2008 and 2009).

My favorite line from the governor is, “All of us ought to be willing to step up with pennies to make this happen.” What she doesn’t say is that every citizen of this state will be expected to come up with 11,359 of these pennies.