Merry Christmas. And bah, humbug.

I get to say both, because I work in retail. Or more accurately, I’m supposed to say “Happy Holidays,” so I can neither offend nor please anyone. Working in retail means I have to be like the Switzerland of conversationalists, being neutral on any topic and never really taking a stand on anything.

“Yes, sir.” “Of course, ma’am.” “Oh, you have excellent taste. That’s our most popular one.” “No, it’s not TOO popular, you’ve definitely found a hidden gem here.”

So on behalf of retail workers everywhere, I’d like to present you with a few the answers we’d really like to give you during the Christmas shopping season. And no, it’s not a “holiday” shopping season. Christmas is the only holiday this month where we consume in mass quantities. Sorry, Hanukkah, but we win this round.

1 – “Do you have any more in the back?” Why yes, we do. We put all of the garbage out here, and put all of the good-selling stuff in the back where we can’t sell it to you. That’s how retail works, you know. But no, you can’t have it.

2 – “When are you going to get more of these in?” That’s a better question for the guy in the cubicle who is responsible for ordering more of it. I just move it from this here box to this here shelf, and make sure it faces outwards. Let me get you his phone number.

3 – “Is your register open?” No, you want the register where the light is off. Maybe you think this little light is here to help me see better, but it’s really a beacon to keep you from crashing into the magazine rack. It’s just like a lighthouse, only smaller and without a view of the harbor.

4 – “My credit card won’t go through? There must be something wrong with your machine.” Nope, there’s something wrong with your spending and bill-paying habits. But let’s continue to pretend the credit card machine is broken and stare at it while it fixes itself. In the meantime, you can scramble your brain for an appropriate excuse to save face.

5 – “Can I get it by Christmas and still get the free shipping?” Let’s see, you are in Washington, and your item is in New Jersey. You called here on Dec. 22 to buy a $19.95 item on which we make $9 less the cost of shipping. You probably could have called us three weeks ago to order this, but there was a “Family Guy” marathon on TV, so you were technically “busy.” Yeah, you’re not getting this.

It’s conversations like these that have made New Year’s Day my favorite holiday of the year, and soured me on the excessive consumerism that has a stranglehold on Christmas.

What’s most amazing to me is how enraged some people will get if they are slightly inconvenienced. It seems like those folks have this expectation that if their Christmas ritual is not absolutely perfect with the perfect present at the perfect time, that something is ruined, and it’s a disaster that cannot be overcome with anything less than $20 off the next order.

I think what saddens me the most is that we don’t have that sort of anger at poverty, injustice, or the fact that many people will go hungry tonight because they can’t afford food. We don’t get angry that our fellow man is suffering and work to solve that injustice. That’s what Jesus displayed his anger at; the focus on ritual and rules, while ignoring the plight of the poor, the widowed, and the orphaned. I don’t think Jesus would care for our American version of Christmas.

We can do better than this. We can all show a little love, patience, and understanding to strangers, and today is a good day to start.

Merry Christmas.