The hospital wars in Covington are still ongoing, but this war feels more like an elaborate courting ritual, and unfortunately not the cutesy teenagers-in-love type of courtship. It’s more like a couple of strippers who are dressing up nicely to cozy up to Old Man Covington’s millions.

Maple Valley also had a nice courtship going with a respectable Swedish partner, with Swedish Medical almost agreeing to build a beautiful house for them to share, but Swedish is smart enough to know that it’s tough to compete for our attention with two strippers living next door (eyes front, mister).

I don’t use these analogies lightly. The public relations machines for both medical groups are working hard to portray themselves in a very positive light, touting the incredible benefits and superior qualities they have compared to their competition.

But what neither of them tell you is that they have a night job with different motivations, which is simply to make money, and lots of it. Hundreds of millions of dollars (your dollars) are at stake here. If MultiCare can succeed in persuading four council members to stick with the current zoning and block out the Valley Medical emergency department proposal, they’ll get to keep most of Old Man Covington’s millions for themselves.

Don’t reach for the thank-you cards just yet, Valley people; I’m no fan of yours either. My bias is for more competition to exist, and no other reason.

Personally, I would benefit if Valley didn’t get the zoning approved for their emergency medical center, and backed out of the deal altogether. Then, Swedish Medical would likely build in Maple Valley, and I can simply walk over to the new place to get this weird growth looked at (no, it’s not my beard).

Valley Medical’s proposed center would be quite close to MultiCare, though, and the competition for patients would be intense. That means we all benefit as they spend truckloads of money and increase their amenities to try and convince us to be sick in their building. Eventually, I’m hoping that some mid-level vice president will have the brilliant idea that they should actually care about the patients on even a superficial level (the genesis for the phrase “health care”).

MultiCare is overwhelmed with patients at the moment, so they don’t have to care. My wife tried to make an appointment last week to discuss a blood test for a possible vitamin deficiency, but was told that no appointments were available until October. We don’t yet own a cryogenic chamber to keep her in stasis for three months, so she needed to see somebody sooner.

Urgent Care didn’t seem necessary, so the receptionist suggested the Family Practice division in the building, which should probably be renamed Kinda Urgent, Kinda Care. They wouldn’t discuss more than three symptoms, and seemed insistent on simply writing a prescription to get her out of there more quickly. No diagnosis, no blood test, and that’ll be sixty bucks please.

Of course, you’re not told the price until after you get there, and there’s no “satisfaction guarantee” if you don’t get any help. But by the time these hospital projects are completed, the national discussion on medical costs should eventually come around to transparent pricing for medical services. With two competing medical groups so close together, the timing could be good to inject a few free market theories.

When you and I are finally responsible for more of the routine costs of going to the doctor, we’re going to choose between the best service and the lowest price, or whatever combination we like best. Some people like Neiman Marcus, some prefer Target, and some people will only shop at Walmart. With more competition and an open market, the medical groups will have to pick a way to distinguish themselves, either with low prices or better service. With competition, we all benefit.

And if you’re really concerned about the zoning issues, don’t be. You’re not creating a legacy for the next 1000 years, just the next 40 years or so. After that, those buildings and all the ones around it will be torn down for the next generation’s vision of Covington. I’ll probably still be in the waiting room, though.

Ryan Ryals lives in Maple Valley and writes a weekly column about politics and life in the city.