Talk of naming babies had been a subject around the office lately because certain pregnant reporter who shall remain anonymous, we will call her Kris Hill, has a naming contest on her blog, Baby Babble.

Let me tell you something about naming babies. Naming the first child is when men finally discover their place in the world.

Prior to naming the first child, the marriage is all that equality stuff, you know… we are doing this together, we are a team…yippe, yippee, huggy, huggy, gross, gross – you get the picture.

The problem is men can never quite figure out when everything changes. That is because everything gets slipped past us when we are not looking. Women are genitically superior at this because God likes to make fun of men.

Every woman I know slides things the size of an aircraft carrier past me and I’m suddenly standing there asking, “Where is everyone? What happen. Why am I the only one left standing here?”

Well let me be the one to expose the true nature of the unjust world. I have experience in this.

Want to know why almost everyone has a weird middle name. That’s the compromise name. That is the name the child gets after the mother tells the father, “We are not naming our child that stupid name. Our child will grow up to be a mass murderer if we do that. Do you want your child to be a mass murderer.”

The poor father could answer, “Yes dear, I would like my child to be a mass murderer. That is my goal.” But his life would end two seconds later.

After much moping and whining, the father gets the second position name and it is never his first choice. That is how people get middle names like Wilber.

I had the perfect family name when Ginny was pregnant with Katy. It was the same name my father wanted to name all his children including me. My dad told me all he got was the death stare from mom. No one can withstand the death stare from their wife – ever.

My dad’s family name was Oscar. No one in my family is named Oscar. Not even a middle name.

I told Ginny our family secret and I said, “wouldn’t it be nice to name our first child Oscar?”

At first she was patient with me and said, “What if we have a girl?”

I said I accounted for that possibility.

“We could name her Oscarette and any middle name you want. She will stand out. How many Oscarettes do you know? Not too many, I bet. Let’s make our child special.”

Then it happened. I got the wife death stare for first time and I blacked out.

Fortunately she began speaking to me again before Katy was born, and there is no Oscarette or Oscar kids around the house.

My advice to young fathers is this. Give up now. Women have the death stare on their side. They win.

Darn that God. How come they get the death stare?