I have stumbled upon the perfect solution for a problem that has plagued fathers since God mistakenly created daughters. The problem is boyfriends.

I’m not sure why God decided know-it-all daughters were such a dandy idea in the first place, but I didn’t get to vote on this one.

For the record, this entire boyfriend arrangement was not well planned by God. He must have been tired that day. I think there should have been a public hearing for dads only.

I have, however, devised the magic solution – arranged boyfriends. Not only will it solve the stupid boyfriend thing, I am convinced it will bring peace on earth. Such a deal.

Let me describe how this brilliant idea came to me.

Katy, my 23-year-old daughter who believes I have become dumber every day since she was born, called me a while back. During the conversation Katy happened to say she was “hanging out” with someone.

That’s how girls say it now. Hanging out.

Well I’m a quick one, despite what little-miss-run-my-life thinks.

“What’s his name?” I said quick as can be.

“I not telling you.”

“Why?”

“Because your nuts. You’ll try to investigate him or something stupid like that.”

“I would never do anything like that,” I said in a high-pitched whiny voice. “But do you think you could write down his social security number or driver’s license number? Just for my record keeping.”

“Not a chance,” she said.

OK, I will admit there may be a little, tiny bit of history for her comments, but that was a long time ago and I have reformed.

I have become a new dad and I now want to solve the boyfriend problem instead of crush it. Let’s remember this conundrum was not created by me, it was God’s fault, but I am willing to fix it.

Arranged boyfriends makes everything so slick. It is a simple and an easy-pleasy solution. It’s even Constitutional. All we have to do is skip certain sections in the middle that don’t really count anyway.

I rolled things around in my vacant head for a couple of days before I presented the exquisite harmony of my plan to Katy.

“I found you the perfect boyfriend that I know I will like. We’ll get along dandy. Maybe go fishing or bowling or play Yahtzee and do all sorts of zippy activities.”

She wouldn’t even consider it, not for a second. I couldn’t believe it.

The world I set up had such symmetry and balance – like living in a Nirvana with all the Twinkies and Ho Hos I could ever desire.

But no, let’s not listen to dad the dumb guy.

I patiently told her I could set this up with one phone call and a couple of boxes of chocolate dipped Twinkies. I told her I had only my best interests at heart, and I was thinking about her, too.

She threatened to have me sent to a home for crazy dads. Must be a long waiting list.

So much for peace on earth.

I hope you’re happy, God.