Editor’s note: This is the fourth in a four part series on domestic violence. The first part ran in July, part two ran in August and part three ran in September. The series culminates in October to coincide with observance of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

This month is about breaking the control of abusers and ending the power of secrecy.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It is observed nationally by those who work to help victims, support survivors and make efforts to prevent domestic violence — a phenomenon described by experts as a pattern of coercion and assaultive behaviors that one person uses to gain power and control over an intimate partner or family member.

The history

Nearly 30 years ago, the observance began as the “Day of Unity,” which was conceived by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, according to information on the Domestic Violence Awareness Project website. The purpose was to connect advocates who were working to stop violence against women and their children across the country.

Soon it became an entire week with events that were as diverse as the sponsors of the programs, but there was a common thread among them all: mourning those who have died at the hands of abusers, celebrating survivors and connecting people who work to end domestic violence.

The first DVAM was observed in October 1987 and two years later Congress passed law that designated October as National Domestic Violence Awareness month and it has been re-affirmed every year since.

The Day of Unity continues to be observed the first Monday of October.

The significance

While advocates do a great deal to help victims and survivors out throughout the year explained Merril Cousin, executive director of the King County Coalition Against Domestic Violence, DVAM presents “an opportunity to really highlight the issue of domestic violence and try to raise public awareness of the problem and its potential solutions.”

During this month, the KCADV hosts its Take Action awards, an effort to honor individuals and organizations who have done something outside of their daily lives or business operations to support survivors of domestic violence.

“Our intent in doing that is to give some specific people recognition but also to help give some examples of what people can do to help,” Cousin said. “We’ve been doing this for 10 years. Over the years we’ve got probably close to 200 stories of what different people and organizations have done. It gives us some really good role models.”

Cousin added that research demonstrates that there is an increase in awareness of domestic violence during the past 20 years.

“People now understand domestic violence much better than they did 20 or 30 years ago,” she said. “People understand that it’s not OK and most people believe that it needs to stop.”

October is also important for those who are in or trying to get out of abusive situations, added Jennifer Quiroz, a community advocate for the South King County YWCA who works with domestic violence victims and survivors.

Raising awareness is key.

“We want victims and survivors to know that there is help and support, to give them the courage to reach out when they are ready,” Quiroz said. “Additionally, we want people to realize that domestic violence happens every day around them. It could be a family member or a friend and they may not realize it. But, we also want to equip them with the knowledge and resources to help that person when they need it.”

Kelly Starr, communications coordinator for the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, said this month is also about using the power of community to fight this problem

“Domestic violence affects every one of us,” Starr said. “It’s a community problem we can only solve together. Domestic Violence Awareness Month gives organizations across the country a chance to increase visibility of the issue and engage their communities.”

Victoria Throm, who founded the Covington Domestic Violence Task Force, said it’s unfortunate the big push to raise awareness is limited to one month a year.

“It’s something that we want to continue all year because… victims live it every day,” Throm said. “The exciting part I see coming up in the direction of our task force is to get more into prevention.”

Throm said that while the Covington DVTF has already helped provide 42 bed nights for women and children this year by providing motel vouchers for victims seeking shelter from their abusers, they want to make a push to tackle the issue from another angle.

“There’s no more money coming in, there’s not that many more people working in the system,” Throm said. “Which means we have to slow down the number of people coming in the door.”

Another approach Throm wants to take is remove the secrecy and stigma of shame that is attached to being abused.

“It’s important because there’s a power in secrecy,” she said. “It’s something victims don’t want to talk about. It’s shameful, especially for male victims of abuse, because people think, ‘How can a male be abused?’ But, that secrecy keeps the abuser powerful.”

Don’t tell a victim to leave

With heightened awareness people want to help, but they don’t know how.

Throm said something crucial she learned during advocacy training is to let victims make their own decisions.

“Even if it’s the wrong choice, they feel empowered to make that choice and learn from it,” Throm said. “People tend to think it’s a personal issue. They say, ‘I don’t want to get involved. It’s none of my business.’ But it is their business when people are being physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually harmed. You need to be very supportive and listen.”

Starr noted that all it takes is a phone call.

“Everyone of us — today — can call our local domestic violence program to learn about what they offer, so that when someone turns to you for help or you see something that concerns you, you’ll be ready,” Starr said. “When someone turns to you for support, it’s important to listen, don’t judge, and ask them what kind of support they would find most helpful. Tell them about the local domestic violence program they can call, confidentially, 24 hours a day, to learn about what they have to offer and get help planning for their safety.”

Quiroz said there are two goals in working with victims: to help her gain safety and self autonomy.

“That is what her abuser has taken from her,” Quiroz said. “On the most basic level you can help by listening to and supporting her, and validating that what is happening to her is abuse. Many victims still in a relationship doubt themselves and blame themselves, so a friend or family member can help her understand the dynamics of what has happened.”

There are also things to avoid saying while trying to support a victim, she noted.

“But its also very important to do this without bad-mouthing the abuser, because if she decides to stay with him or to return to the relationship, you may have closed yourself off to her as a support the next time,” Quiroz said. “Helping a friend or family member can be really difficult and heart-wrenching because she may not be ready to leave and you might be really worried about her. Its important to take care of yourself as well, and perhaps referring her to domestic violence advocacy services is one way to do that.”

Quiroz re-iterated the importance of allowing the victim to make her own decisions because it’s important for her journey to freedom from abuse.

“You don’t need to be an expert in domestic violence to help a friend or family member,” she said. “Just maintaining that communication with her so she’s not quite so isolated will go a long way to helping her.”

Cousin encourages those who wish to help to be patient and understanding because there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

“Let the person know that you’re concerned about them, that there is help available and that you’re willing to help them find assistance,” Cousin said. “If you’re going to say one thing to somebody (tell them) that they can call a domestic violence hotline and they can talk to someone on the phone about what’s going on, what their options are, what help may be available. They don’t have to have decided to leave.”