Signs to look for, support for survivors

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP).

In a 2015 Youth Risk Behavior study, it was reported that 8.6 percent of youths grades nine through 12 had made at least one suicide attempt within the past 12 months, AFSP said on its website.

According to Phoebe Tarhaar, the schools coordinator at Forefront Suicide Prevention, just listening could be a literal life saver.

“Attempt survivors really confirm that. ‘It wasn’t someone trying to fix the situation or give me advice, they weren’t judging me, they just listened and that made it feel OK to kind of open that door a little bit wider.’ When people hear that you’re comfortable saying the word ‘suicide’ they’re more likely to be honest and confide that they’re having those thoughts,” Tarhaar said.

Tarhaar helped the Tahoma School District after Kione Gill, a former student, and Kylee Snyder, took their own lives within a week of each other in September.

She said schools in the nation are better at responding to suicides than some might think, but having a procedure about what to do with instances like this is still fairly new and some still need help understanding what their next steps would be.

“It’s been a couple years, since House Bill 1336, where the state of Washington actually mandated that schools must have policy and procedures for suicide prevention and how to respond to students in emotional distress,” Tarhaar said.

An important step for schools, students and parents to take to help make sure suicides are prevented, is for everyone to look for the signs of suicide.

While signs of suicide could be different for everyone, Tarhaar said there are more common signs to look for in students — specifically, changes in personality, changes in academic work, fatigue, withdrawing from friends or activities, increase in alcohol or drug use, reckless behavior and giving possessions away.

According to Tarhaar, this generation of kids really like to joke about suicide, which could be a student or person testing the waters to see how people react when they say that.

“The one that I think really some people are missing, especially young people, are the ones that are joking about suicide and dying. I think among peer groups they assume that’s one of their friends just trying to get a laugh out of everybody,” Tarhaar said. “But I think we have to really consider that sometimes a person throws that out there as a test, if you will, ‘What if I joke about it? Is anyone even going to take is seriously? If not, maybe I don’t feel safe talking to them.’ Being able to take that seriously and not take it as a joke and really ask them seriously one on one, if they are thinking about it. And being able to take those next steps — going to a school counselor, going to a trusted adult who can take that the next step and make sure this person is getting support and more resources.”

Tarhaar said parents also need to be aware of differences in their children at home.

She said the signs at home are very similar to what can be seen in a school environment and that if parents see any of these signs to be straightforward with their child.

“If you’re a parent, just following that gut intuition that something just doesn’t feel right. And really being willing to ask their child — and same with those faculty members — are you thinking about suicide? To really ask directly, in a compassionate but direct way, I think is really something that everyone can learn and is part of what we provide in our training,” Tarhaar said.

She warned that these behaviors may seem like “typical teenager behavior,” but it might not be. If a teen’s behavior changes and stays that way for a long period of time, it’s time for parents to ask their child if they’re suicidal.

This goes for friends and other family members, Tarhaar said if someone you know is showing the signs of suicide, ask and maybe have follow-up questions.

“Not just asking about suicide, but also really taking that next step and asking them if they have a plan. ‘Do you have access to any kid of lethal means?’ And being able to pass that information onto someone who can take more direct action,” she said.

Looking back at the closeness between Kione and Kylee’s deaths, Tarhaar said that was more of a rare occurrence, but said that suicide contagion is a real thing that schools, parents and community members need to be aware of.

“We know that suicide is a combination of multiple factors, it’s not just one factor that typically creates this dynamic. We know those issues are experienced by every community, so it’s important that we know the best practice in what to do and what not to do,” Tarhaar explained. “For example, we wouldn’t want schools doing school assemblies on suicide. We wouldn’t want schools to put a permanent legacy memorial in honor of a person. We wouldn’t want there to be that kind of message for somebody who’s vulnerable and currently considering suicide to get the impression that this is how I might get the attention that I’m not getting. Or this is how I can seek some kind of revenge. Those messages can be really confused in the mind of somebody who is vulnerable.”

Knowing what to do to help prevent suicide doesn’t always help. If someone’s loved one kills themselves the survivors often need resources, too.

That’s where Auburn Survivor of Suicide (SOS) can help.

According to the Auburn SOS website, it’s a nonprofit that is a self-help, peer-led support group for those who have been impacted by the death of a loved one from suicide.

Catherine North, president of the board at Auburn SOS, joined the group years ago when she lost her brother.

“Oh my God, it helped me tremendously because I had no idea my brother was thinking of something like that. I knew he had trouble with drugs and alcohol, but I had no idea he was suicidal. When I found him… It threw our whole family into turmoil,” North said. “He was older. He was 44, but it helped to be able to go over there and talk with other people who knew what I was talking about. They knew what I was going through, they knew because they had been there themselves.”

She warns that even though it helped her, it’s not for younger children. She said the group is best for older teens and adults because sometimes discussions can get graphic.

She said it’s nice to be in a group where people relate to each other. Outside of the group, North said she received less than helpful comments.

She said maybe six months after her brother died, someone asked, “You’re not over it yet?” Referring to her brother’s death.

“I just was astounded. It was early on and so I didn’t quite know how to respond except to say, ‘No, I’m not,’” North said.

North said the biggest thing to help someone who’s loved one has just died is to not ask questions like that, No. 1, but to also just listen.

“A lot of people, because of this stigma that’s still around mental health and suicide, people don’t mention the name (suicide), they don’t say anything. I think that’s one of the worst things for survivors. They want to talk about the person they lost. I think one of the biggest things is to listen and not judge. Let the person talk and share what they’ve been through,” North explained.

According to North, people who come to the group usually share the same question, “Why?”

“A lot of times people are angry, but on the other hand, some never are. I was angry at my brother for two years. There are common feelings, but it also depends on the person. The whole grief thing is complicated by the idea that they took their own life, it’s not like grandma dying in her sleep,” North said.

Another goal for Auburn SOS, according to North, is to bring awareness to suicide and to bring it out into to the open instead of making it a “deep dark secret.”

“Bringing suicide and mental health out so people will talk about it because some of these people that have taken their lives, if they could have talked about what was going on, maybe they wouldn’t have… Maybe,” she said.

Tarhaar said the biggest thing to remember about suicide is everyone can play a role in preventing. Even something as simple as not saying “committing” or “committed.”

“If you think about a mom who’s just lost her son and she keeps hearing the word committed, on top of the grief she’s already experiencing — let’s just not do that. It’s a really simple shift in our language that really can help change the stigma around mental health and suicide,” Tarhaar explained.

Auburn SOS isn’t the only SOS group in Western Washington, there are also support groups located in Olympia and Puyallup, North said.

She said all someone has to do is show up to the meetings.

Auburn SOS meets every fourth Thursday of each month from 7 to 8 p.m. at the Auburn Fire Department, 1101 D St. NE.

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