How come I can’t find things?

Or more specifically, how come I can’t find things, but girls can?

I have discovered this is another of the many tricks God invented for heavenly entertainment. Men never get to find things and women always get to magically see things so they can make fun of the dopey loser.

This spiritual awareness came to me the other day when I was searching every nook and cranny of the office for a flashlight, which I had just seen a day earlier.

I asked Brenda, our office goddess, who runs my world, why the flashlight disappeared. She said it was right where it had always had been. I looked and looked and looked… and then I looked some more.

It was not there. Let me repeat. It was not there, until….

She walked into the room and immediately the stupid flashlight appeared.

And what do I get?

“It’s been there all along. You just didn’t look.”

That’s right. I didn’t look at all. I went into the room, shut my eyes so I would be sure not to see the flashlight, threw my arms around like an idiot and started whining.

I hate this.

The only reasonable explanation was God did this to me because I did something, something, something… I can’t keep track, but apparently he can.

God suddenly made the flashlight appear. He gets to have all those cool powers and I can’t even find a shirt in the morning.

I looked all over the office for spoons the other day. I searched high and low, but there were no spoons anywhere.

No spoons, that is, until God made them appear in the cabinet a millisecond before the office goddess opened it.

Very funny, God.

This a plot.

I can never find anything in my house. Things disappear that were right in front of me and I can search for weeks… not a chance will I find it.

I have bookcases lining the walls all over the house, but do you think I can find the book I’m looking for… not in this lifetime.

Here is another one. If I’m looking for a screwdriver, I will always find the one I don’t want, and never the one I need. This is a test I always fail.

And here is the worst part of this God plot, after weeks of hopelessly looking for something, my miss smarty pants daughter, Katy, comes home and immediately finds it.

And I get, “if you would put things where they are supposed to go you could find them.”

I love that.

This comes from the girl who has a hurricane bedroom one day after she comes home from college. A tornado could hit our house full force and all it would do is clean and arrange her room.

But God lets her find things when she hasn’t been home for months.

I can never find my stupid TV remote, until Katy comes home. Then I get the joy of watching “Desperate Housewives” for a week.

That’s living the dream.

It’s a plot, and God gets to win because he has all the snappy toys.

Fine, girls are always better, but someday I will find something on my own without any help.

Now I wonder where that dumb flashlight is…it was here just a minute ago.